riot - bring the radio!

random

2008-08-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

the danger of journals and the sort isn't the secrets and emotions they envelop, it's the context they are taken out of.

(personally speaking i don’t volunteer, but if asked about something I'm usually an open book. aside of course from this blog, but this is unlike my journal in that it’s anonymous and hence inapplicable to the above observation.)

home this time next week for my sister's wedding. She will be gorgeous as ever. will be a whirlwind weekend but refreshing nonetheless to be surrounded by so much comforting familiarity. cheers to looking forward and warm nights on the Atlantic.

the point of this post is to make you jealous, then gross you out

2008-08-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

well i've officially found the local nude beach (how very california is that?) i was riding my beach cruiser (i.e. my shinny new periwinkle bicycle) along the cliffs overlooking the pacific (my street) when i saw a few fat, very naked, old blobs standing knee deep in the ocean (its quite cold too!) i did a double take but thought it better not to stare. today, while on the same route, my suspicions were confirmed. why aren't nude beaches full of all the fit folks? why is it everyone oversized and 'reclaiming their bodies' at age 55 with mondo rolls? why not show respect for ones body by hitting the gym once or twice before heading out in broad daylight flaunting all your business? don't get me wrong there's nothing shameful about the human form, and i know people come in all shapes and sizes, but the irony is that the only people on that nude beach were massively out of shape. at 22 and 110 lbs I would pick a place a bit more secluded, but eh only in california.

gone swimming

2008-07-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

with all the rest off my chest. let me say, happy 3 day weekend lake Tahoe. i am a happy (lucky) camper.

happiness is only real when shared

2008-06-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

fires burn, forests crumble; politics purge us of ourselves in office and Office. it's the shadows that make the grass always look so much greener.

me? i'm happy. i have no complaints to register. today i am grateful that the fires make for a vibrant sunset; that i can retreat home from paper piles to my own paradise. i don't long for anything greener. i'm liking the way the light dances on the brown tips of the blades and I'm content to let the dandelions roam. i can't chase the ever moving shadows, because i can't be two places at once.

it's just that im happiest about the little things lately. holding hands and coming home to a sun baked smile. it's the long chats with my mom as i commute and the dinners that we use to turn our kitchen messy. it's tide pools and granola acai bowls; hikes and unexpected letters. it's amazing to see life evolve into just what you wished for.

(i do hope the fires end soon though.)

said rabbit

2008-06-06T21:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i just really miss my mom.

ok well, ok.

2008-05-22T23:24:00.000-07:00

drawing pictures and baking bread doesn't always pay the bills....thus i have returned to a career of a more practical vein. i tend to enjoy being alone, so being in a busy office is a nice change of pace. (besides, i get my reflective/karaoke time during my 3 hour commute)

after months of being together all day & everyday, it's an odd feeling to have any experience without him beside me. we have become another limb, attached at the hip; each other's backbone; crutch....i know space is quite good and healthy though. in fact having a steady source of income and ambition has really helped me to feel a bit more relaxed in a weird way. i have always been tremendously tenacious and ive found that i'm relieved by the challenges at work. sick as it sounds, the busier the better. ive been thinking a lot about this, about what this might let me runaway from or have an excuse to run to; the validation of this lifestyle.

so despite the long commute (ie traffic) waking up at 5 am and being away from him for 55 hours a week, i couldn't ask for more at a work place. the people are just peachy and there's coffee- so i'm set.

exhausted as i adjust, but he's been mindful and helping out around the house. its funny how a job like this can bring security with a steady paycheck and also make me want to escape, the way i used to. i haven felt that in a long while. i don't know if it's turning on or off, the way i retreat inward. i don't know if i like it or not; if its good or bad. it just is part of me and that's that. funny how disconnect is so natural, i think i missed it.

otherwise, he wrote an amazing short story. i'm impressed by it and i keep running it over in my head. it's about us. i think it's sightful and accurate.
also, i think elliott smith really would have liked santa cruz.

pancake tour over, kerouac would be proud

2008-05-11T19:51:00.000-07:00

i would bring this blog up to speed, but i don't really see a point. i'm sure it will be pretty clear where i'm at by the end of the post anyhow. i will say that i made it across country in one piece. and the exposure i had to the different ways people live in America was astounding. i am so glad to be rid of the landlocked blues the midwest and desert gave me. im not cut out for it there. i know now that to feel most comfortable, i have be around lots of lush trees and the ocean (just as i grew up) I've done my fair share of euro bumming, so i think it's nice to finally see the place i live. zig zag through the nation later, i'm cozy and tucked into one of the most beautiful places i've ever seen: ocean cliffs and surf, wildflowers and restless breeze. it is nothing short of amazing. (the people are quite peachy too.)

i have no complaints.

and no right to. my life here is picturesque. we live in a pocket of love and bliss. we very make each other very happy and all this makes me quite blessed.

but if i may? as beautiful as it is, as wonderful as our life, i do miss home. a funny mix of emotion this culture shock is. ive been far before, but ive never felt far until now. (i mean don't get me wrong, san fran may be beautiful with its colorful houses, but there's no place as spectacular as 'coffee black, i'm in a rush,' new york. it might as well be a different country out here.) he says im just homesick, but i know myself pretty well and i can't seem to shake the feeling that i am supposed to be back east. only time will tell. it is a big adjustment.

but that's neither here nor there. as far as i am concerned, I am here now. so now, i'll embrace it for all it's worth. i'll figure out the rest of my life, during the rest of my life.

speaking of the rest of my life, i have been painting and drawing much less since i left the east coast. i know these things come in waves, but it's very unusual for me. and maybe, just maybe that is because i don't yet have a work table set up here (although that has never seemed to stop me before.) I've been running around a lot more too. baking lots of bread oddly enough; cooking loads. oh, the hiking here is fantastic we camped big basin this weekend- 11 miles of sore muscles!

so there is art of the walls, and the cupboards are full, but we are still working on finding all the right furniture. in honesty i would rather have it that way...furniture is such a commitment to sit still.

i do miss my family, my dog, but if i didn't run about and explore now i would always be wondering. when would i really otherwise? i finished college a year and half early anyway. plus, i do believe this is what 22 is all about.

much

me

all smiles

2008-04-02T20:05:00.001-07:00

this place is a disaster zone!

i have been packing like a mad woman all day, and i am just so excited!

i am more thrilled to move to cali than i was to paris, (my most favorite place!)

anywho, there is just so much to be done; between getting a gps, cleaning this place out and the details of transporting our stuff 3000 mi; changing billing addresses and getting the car tuned up...ahh! will the list ever end?

it is just so worth it. what could beat a fantastic place on the beach with the one you love and your dog? life feels quite sunny.

although, self improvement note: if there was such a thing as too much coffee and chocolate, today i may have reached the brink. a serious run needs to happen tomorrow!

Seeking Advice:

2008-04-01T05:21:00.000-07:00

i'm not trying to make something out of nothing, i just want our relationship to be as amazing as possible and for us to understand each other the very best we can...

i love that neither of us is conventional. maybe this is just apart of accepting people and not expecting the world? either way, any input would be so appreciated, i am totes down for some personal growth.

so i've been thinking. this is actually THE reoccurring problem between us. the problem is that we see these small actions incredibly differently, and what better place to get an objective opinion than right here!

in the situation in which g was referring to in the post before last is something way too trivial not to find a way to overcome. in that situation, i was over g's parent's house and i was very tired. (i had been up all night the night before.) g and i had just watched south park, eaten broc. pizza (our fav!) and enjoyed some terrific wine from a local vineyard. we had a totally perfect night.
it was getting late and rainy and i knew i was overtired and had to leave. so eventually i got up out of my comfy spot and asked him to walk me out. (i was parked down the street, it was late and the street light was out) he said no.

this is a problem, stupid right? this is the sort of situation that makes him feel as though i am being controlling and when we fight dirty, might go to say so (along with needy and bitchy.)
on the contrary, i happen to see it quite differently. to me, i feel it is being a gentleman to walk me out when i have to drive and it is dark. and when we fight dirty i might say selfish, (along with inconsiderate and jerk.)

so i get frustrated, because i don't understand why you wouldn't do something small for someone you love. and he gets irked, because he feels it is me being demanding.
for him its a control thing. for me, it's a respect thing.
i feel i would do the same for him; to me those small kindnesses are what make a relationship.

i think its something we need to confront, and nip in the bud. neither of us are the sort to sweat the small stuff. but this is reoccurring (in various situations.)
so, what's the damage?
i know it's not that one of us is right or wrong, in fact we are both just seeing it differently. but something has got to give so we can view this on the same page, ( just as we do with politics and music and everything else.) do we need to overcome our different interpretations, or learn to mutually pacify?
how do we do this?

is this classic men and women on different planets or what?
you can't change people, i don't want to. i love who he is. he loves who i am. is this really so petty? how do we get past this?
i'm willing to do whatever i can so this is as stupid as, well it is...call me out. i'm down for constructive criticism; i want to be a better person.

my two loyal readers (i adore you so!)

2008-03-31T20:47:00.000-07:00

some very exciting potential new places on the west coast. the apts we are considering are so lovely. i cannot wait!

yes g, i have more to grow...i will keep working to be a better woman. thanks for the advice. i will keep it in mind.

thanks c for the encouragement. you are wonderful...i appreciate your support.

another random cali thing i am excited about: tennis.

6 am can't sleep

2008-03-31T02:55:00.000-07:00

had an awful dream and didn't really sleep at all last night. i pretty much woke up feeling incredibly guilty and hypocritical.

so, i've been mia.

life has been insane...

he came home for the holiday, i was standoffish as ever, he had an accident, i took him to the er; and the rest is history.
he moved back home to me and it's really nice.

it is as it was. i feel totally blessed.

we are considering making the 3000 mile move out to the west coast...again.
yes, i know i sound entirely irrational.
(what's new?)

things are wonderful, but i'm taking them one step at a time:

1. getting him better.

2. everything else.

it is so frustrating to want to heal and not be able to snap your fingers and feel better. he is so patient and positive. it really makes me adore and admire him even more.

please note: i do not not not want to pack again...BUT i am always excited for a road trip.

so a less serious note:
i cannot wait for the new rem, i'm currently addicted to vampire weekend (so feel good) and
on a somerset maugham kick.

ok but really this cannot be true.

also, thinking of getting a very small gold hoop nose ring...thoughts?

(ps. feel better darling.)

everything in its right place

2008-03-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

it all falls into place as fast as it falls out.

i realize this blog must make for me to sound quite erratic. however its only when wrapped up in emotion to vent, or moved to share do i find myself updating; this is my place to be dramatic, uncensored.

i'm so in the middle of this right now, i don't think i can articulate it yet...but it is lovely.

full moon

2008-03-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

this disnatural life, is highway robbery.
more pressure; more money; more stuff... all to contain the cycle of dissatisfaction that we search externally to amend

we are so caught up in achieving this unattainable, surfaced 'life,' that we don't know what to do with ourselves in the rare raw moments when we are spared.

it is the hardest thing in the world to leave the person you love.
to give love and share experiences with those who will receive it, is the reason to my being.

i'm not interested in 'things,' i never have been. what are things, without motivation for a larger reason, a shared heart. i feel now as i ever did. i will never find fulfillment in what are soul-less items. i would be happier in a tepee with a good man, than to be an empty, blind slave.
for those who are, i imagine the notion is to continue on in that foolish format until we find our justification. i wanted him to be a place to put my love.

we will never love ourselves (and consequently others,) more by pushing people out of our hearts. this will not leave us with more love to give, but less; love has its own currency. we only grow in our love and understanding of self, as we give our love onto others. this is when we have true meaning- to live for another is to finally be free and awake. to love is not to take, but to become vehicle for something larger than yourself. it is not about using someone else as a tool to inflate your own sense of self, relinquish insecurities or entertain. it is freedom to let go.

spot on

2008-03-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

i'm a sag...well really i'm ophiuchus. but regardless this horoscope seemed quite true.
perhaps it's just my working to overcome my impulsive nature that holds true? i'm always dreaming of something, but i would love to get a house with some friends here in the country. it seems safe except for expectation of lifestyle, and the fear i have that i will be staying where i am happy out of fear that i will not be happy elsewhere. is that a wrong thing to do?

i really wonder if it is more dangerous to have expectations,
or not to?

"Weekend Update: Friday's Full Moon emphasizes your hopes and dreams. Maybe some revision will occur, now that your eyes have been opened to certain realities. Some of you may also decide to reshuffle your list of friends, advisors or confidantes. Don't say or do anything with long-term implications on Friday. Think about everything, but delay action until you're really sure what you want. The Full Moon can be impulsive and extreme, pushing you to the brink and forcing action that is unwise. Take your time and remind others that you retain the right to change your mind, with or without their permission. You may require some privacy and time away from those that tend to project their frustration or anger onto you. Saturday is similar but easier. You still wade through the uncertainty of 'who can I trust and/or depend on?' but are able acknowledge your own strength. On Easter Sunday, you no longer feel under attack or at the mercy of another's mood swings. You successfully detach emotionally from troublesome individuals and are immune to whatever they dish out. You end up enjoying the day, thanks to your gift for tuning out needless noise."

Why do i find this sort of job so tempting, there's no long term utilization for my education? lord knows i'm too small in frame to really be anything close to a sailor!

"Exciting Employment Opportunity! Stewards, Deckhands, Dishwashers

Join the American Cruise Lines team! We are seeking friendly, outgoing, hard-working crew members to live/work aboard our luxury 49-100 passenger cruise ships. Earn $700-$900/week. Training, room & board provided. Excellent opportunity to work and travel."

fievel goes west

2008-03-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

blonde again...thank goodness for new seasons and new starts. some things are more stress than they are worth.

happy spring (in my step again)

Begin as you wish to continue.

2008-03-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

another interview in the city tomorrow, but i think it's time i start looking elsewhere.

on the second day of my water fast, but it has been easy. the change in season is a great time to do this cleanse.

today brings such lovely london weather to wash my windows. it is oh so fitting .

lost in translation: narcissus y buonaparte

2008-03-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

it's done. he loves only for himself. a hard truth to face. i doubt he will believe it, at first.

so, how about that recession, eh?

i love not man the less, but nature more...

2008-03-15T13:56:00.000-07:00

with my brother into the woods and exploring bear mountain; he is my favorite person. an afternoon of exploring caves and uncovering old water mills; climbing rocks and skipping stones. talking books and blaring music from his pickup truck. it is my favorite way to pass any day.
i've missed him.

"there is pleasure in the pathless woods,
there is rapture on the lonely shore,
there is society where none intrudes,
by the deep sea and the music in its roar;
i love not man the less, but Nature more."

Lord Byron

i saw the signs as i drove home from the city this morning. one of the 100 acre plots next to my parent's home is being sold. it is the only one not belonging to a nature reserve. i never thought the old woman would leave her ancient plot. i am so compelled to preserve it and my stony street. as children we built teepees and learned every acre. i doubt i will ever feel as sane or more connected to the universe elsewhere.

anything less is a placebo.

2008-03-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

"Patient:
For so long i trailed you
Now here i am, but i can't stand
With these Jellybones

Checked myself into emergency, urgently.
Drove up in my bone-camarrow, thinking only about you.
The doctor walked her crew of surgeons to the table where I lay
I came to, and my knee-caps were off.
They were soft, I had Jellybones

Doctor:
I woke him up and broke the news
After everything was sewn
I said: "Son, you've got a full-blown case
Of what is known as Jellybones."

Jelly Jelly Jelly Jelly Jelly Jelly Jelly Jelly
Jellybones.

this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive."

(the unicorns)

there is no danger in this. i won't let there be. there's a difference between loving and needing.

my emotions will not become sacrificial.

my space, the scenes, and people, art and madness that i love, will not be devoured by something bottomless.

this will not define me more than any other facet of my time and desires. my independence will be aligned with my integrity- on the no trade post. i'm not some lost lamb; clinging, crying, desperate and desolate- that's not me, that's never been me. i don't need a hand held and i'll hold myself to this.

so it's going good, but good can go. there's not much poetry in this sort of spine. this is the is the understanding we've always needed, but the truth my mentality of romanticism rejected.

dishonesty can never truly be in the vein of hope. to have faith, is to be brave enough to be honest. to live without fear of rejection. to know acceptance for what is more that your good, but what you are whole, is love...anything less is a placebo.

lucky girl.

2008-03-03T19:54:00.000-08:00

i have the best family and friends a girl could wish for- hands down.

easily.

i am so lucky.

i mean really, how often is there a community of people who honestly aim to look out for YOUR best interest? after not seeing any of them since i left for the city, they were waiting with open arms the moment i came home.

they didn't ask for explanations; just for big hugs.

they are so sympathetic, so accepting; so motivating. it's like no time has gone by at all.

i'm beginning to wonder why i don't unpack and stay.

what more could i want then the giving hearts i have beside me here? their intentions are so true; their eyes are so familiar and kind. i forgot how much i missed them. they bring me back to earth and who i am in my heart of hearts. they make me so silly and life just feels easy.
they accept me and love me just as i am; no questions asked. it makes me feel free.

maybe i was looking too hard for a direction, when the answer was right in front of my nose...

this will all blow over in time

2008-03-02T10:42:00.000-08:00

"still things could be much worse
natural disasters on the evening news
still things could be much worse
we still got our health"

this is how i feel:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rfDvpfC2bw

but i'm working on feeling like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSOM0tQMNZ8

word... i think it's time i go for a hike

dear lord i can't wait for sand in my toes, sundress weather, swimming holes and tipsy by noon. sunburned shoulders and nights lit late in woods and on shores with fire pits and 30 packs.
ahhh i cant explain it, but i need to get all of this disnatural composure out of my system. i need to let go and scream to loud music with the windows of my car down. i need to let it out.
i keep feeling like i should do something so jack and pancake tour america or bob dylan it out on the open road, and staying with friends and skipping a plan...but i'm trying not to be hasty.
hasty is just so impulsive; it's so me, for better or worse. i suppose it's better that at least i can admit/acknowledge it.
one day i'll find someone who is down for some ridiculous notion that i'm quickly wrapped up in...and then i'll be in trouble. i'll be free.

thanks (chin up charlie brown)

2008-03-01T21:53:00.001-08:00

every morning when i wake up, i ask for some direction. i suppose i'm asking the universe. i've been doing this since i moved out of the city about 2 weeks ago. i don't say it out loud, i just concentrate on it for a moment as i start my day or lay in bed. silly as it may be, i was feeling blue and i needed to think that i could do something to change it. i didn't want to feel passive and swept up in what i couldn't control. well, i woke up a few days ago and i felt as though the winds had changed. sometimes focusing on what you want will bring you closer to it, or so i've heard...but the funny thing is that nothing in my life has changed too dramatically. on paper, i am still living out of boxes in my parent's house, heartbroken and jobless. the thing that changed was how it felt. perhaps it's a tribute to dear old friends whom i got to visit; maybe it was having it out with a bottle of cheap tequila at a loud party, or finally letting myself catch-up on sleep? whatever it is doesn't matter so much to me. i'm just grateful that i'm not trying to convince myself to not feel lost or sad all the time. i don't have to. i get this strange sensation that everything is falling into place. it's as though the wheels are in motion, as fate would intend for them to be. it's wonderful and comforting. i'm made so happy by that progress that i feel positively encouraged and more patient. after all, loneliness is a connectedness that we all share.
and, i feel a really new sense of solace and integrity from having been brave enough to follow my heart. i do still get impatient, but reality is that i have a good feeling about the way things are changing, or the way they will change rather.
so, i thought i ought to spit it out in a post.
i know it's lame and sappy but i need a place to say: thank you.
the universe is so totally listening.

on another note, i came to the realization that there is just no way i could ever date someone who didn't have nasty air guitar skill. i mean really, the ability to rock out is such a necessary and redeeming quality.

a couple of cats in the heat

2008-02-29T10:46:00.000-08:00

"Margaret "Maggie" Pollitt: You know what I feel like? I feel all the
time like a cat on a hot tin roof.

Brick Pollitt: Then jump off the roof, Maggie. Jump off it. Cats jump
off roofs and land uninjured. Do it. Jump.

Margaret "Maggie" Pollitt: Jump where? Into what?

Brick Pollitt: What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?

Margaret "Maggie" Pollitt: Just staying on it I guess, long as she can."

I think I’m too fickle to admit that I really am.

I want the security, the comfort, the closeness of soul mate, a best friend, a confidant.

I want a safe place to pour all my love, all the reasons that build up under the skin of this vehicle. I want to believe that we aren’t so individualistic and selfish. I long for someone who I can count on unconditionally, and likewise turn to me, in all the fevers of their night. I need to believe that a less isolated life exists. but every time I have let myself to become it, I retreat in fear from the lack reciprocation.

why it's so important to feel that connectedness?

Why do I miss someone so much whom I have never met?

I think this drive might be more for meaning in existence than anything. Is to exist for myself not worthy enough? there are those who exist for those they love, and those who exist for themselves…I always pick the wrong.

So i'm in bed, listening to Interpol, applying to jobs I don’t really want. But ive got to get going, keep up to speed. After all, I quit my job and moved to the city because I fell too hard for someone I thought I knew.

I moved back to the country house I grew up in at night. I didn’t want it to be true so I waited for when true colors couldn’t be ignored.

Now i’m back living from boxes in my parent’s house. I don’t know where I am because I cant believe any of it really happened. We moved to live together and now we are more divided than ever. Left with no job, no best friend, burned bridges and exhausted; I am piecing what I want together. He was a pusher. I am a runner.

i want the security that comes from freedom and the freedom that can only come from security.

I commit only to exist and to the potential of adventure on the path ahead of me…if I can just find it. I am determined to enjoy this period of mess and newness, but sometimes, it hurts like hell.

I’ll do fine, ive worked with less. The thing is I just thought I was done with that.

Silly me. Im only 22, this is only the beginning. one day ill look at this from far away and smile.

and i guess, that i just don't know

2008-02-29T07:18:00.000-08:00

so this is it, well part of it.
i'm 22, done with college and spinning...still spinning.
sometimes it feels so clean exciting to not have answers; other times, it's just incredibly overwhelming. sometimes i feel 45 and fed up, other times i'm 14 and scared.

so this is it, up until now. can you imagine this is just the beginning, i mean what a blur?

let's toast then to the day that happens only once every four years.
lets just watch the snow and soak in this extra time. who knows, someday we might just miss it.