random

the danger of journals and the sort isn't the secrets and emotions they envelop, it's the context they are taken out of.

(personally speaking i don’t volunteer, but if asked about something I'm usually an open book. aside of course from this blog, but this is unlike my journal in that it’s anonymous and hence inapplicable to the above observation.)

home this time next week for my sister's wedding. She will be gorgeous as ever. will be a whirlwind weekend but refreshing nonetheless to be surrounded by so much comforting familiarity. cheers to looking forward and warm nights on the Atlantic.

the point of this post is to make you jealous, then gross you out

well i've officially found the local nude beach (how very california is that?) i was riding my beach cruiser (i.e. my shinny new periwinkle bicycle) along the cliffs overlooking the pacific (my street) when i saw a few fat, very naked, old blobs standing knee deep in the ocean (its quite cold too!) i did a double take but thought it better not to stare. today, while on the same route, my suspicions were confirmed. why aren't nude beaches full of all the fit folks? why is it everyone oversized and 'reclaiming their bodies' at age 55 with mondo rolls? why not show respect for ones body by hitting the gym once or twice before heading out in broad daylight flaunting all your business? don't get me wrong there's nothing shameful about the human form, and i know people come in all shapes and sizes, but the irony is that the only people on that nude beach were massively out of shape. at 22 and 110 lbs I would pick a place a bit more secluded, but eh only in california.

gone swimming

with all the rest off my chest. let me say, happy 3 day weekend lake Tahoe. i am a happy (lucky) camper.

happiness is only real when shared

fires burn, forests crumble; politics purge us of ourselves in office and Office. it's the shadows that make the grass always look so much greener.

me? i'm happy. i have no complaints to register. today i am grateful that the fires make for a vibrant sunset; that i can retreat home from paper piles to my own paradise. i don't long for anything greener. i'm liking the way the light dances on the brown tips of the blades and I'm content to let the dandelions roam. i can't chase the ever moving shadows, because i can't be two places at once.

it's just that im happiest about the little things lately. holding hands and coming home to a sun baked smile. it's the long chats with my mom as i commute and the dinners that we use to turn our kitchen messy. it's tide pools and granola acai bowls; hikes and unexpected letters. it's amazing to see life evolve into just what you wished for.

(i do hope the fires end soon though.)

said rabbit

sometimes, i just really miss my mom.

ok well, ok.

drawing pictures and baking bread doesn't always pay the bills....thus i have returned to a career of a more practical vein. i tend to enjoy being alone, so being in a busy office is a nice change of pace. (besides, i get my reflective/karaoke time during my 3 hour commute)

after months of being together all day & everyday, it's an odd feeling to have any experience without him beside me. we have become another limb, attached at the hip; each other's backbone; crutch....i know space is quite good and healthy though. in fact having a steady source of income and ambition has really helped me to feel a bit more relaxed in a weird way. i have always been tremendously tenacious and ive found that i'm relieved by the challenges at work. sick as it sounds, the busier the better. ive been thinking a lot about this, about what this might let me runaway from or have an excuse to run to; the validation of this lifestyle.

so despite the long commute (ie traffic) waking up at 5 am and being away from him for 55 hours a week, i couldn't ask for more at a work place. the people are just peachy and there's coffee- so i'm set.

exhausted as i adjust, but he's been mindful and helping out around the house. its funny how a job like this can bring security with a steady paycheck and also make me want to escape, the way i used to. i haven felt that in a long while. i don't know if it's turning on or off, the way i retreat inward. i don't know if i like it or not; if its good or bad. it just is part of me and that's that. funny how disconnect is so natural, i think i missed it.

otherwise, he wrote an amazing short story. i'm impressed by it and i keep running it over in my head. it's about us. i think it's sightful and accurate.
also, i think elliott smith really would have liked santa cruz.

pancake tour over, kerouac would be proud

i would bring this blog up to speed, but i don't really see a point. i'm sure it will be pretty clear where i'm at by the end of the post anyhow. i will say that i made it across country in one piece. and the exposure i had to the different ways people live in America was astounding. i am so glad to be rid of the landlocked blues the midwest and desert gave me. im not cut out for it there. i know now that to feel most comfortable, i have be around lots of lush trees and the ocean (just as i grew up) I've done my fair share of euro bumming, so i think it's nice to finally see the place i live. zig zag through the nation later, i'm cozy and tucked into one of the most beautiful places i've ever seen: ocean cliffs and surf, wildflowers and restless breeze. it is nothing short of amazing. (the people are quite peachy too.)



i have no complaints.


and no right to. my life here is picturesque. we live in a pocket of love and bliss. we very make each other very happy and all this makes me quite blessed.



but if i may? as beautiful as it is, as wonderful as our life, i do miss home. a funny mix of emotion this culture shock is. ive been far before, but ive never felt far until now. (i mean don't get me wrong, san fran may be beautiful with its colorful houses, but there's no place as spectacular as 'coffee black, i'm in a rush,' new york. it might as well be a different country out here.) he says im just homesick, but i know myself pretty well and i can't seem to shake the feeling that i am supposed to be back east. only time will tell. it is a big adjustment.

but that's neither here nor there. as far as i am concerned, I am here now. so now, i'll embrace it for all it's worth. i'll figure out the rest of my life, during the rest of my life.



speaking of the rest of my life, i have been painting and drawing much less since i left the east coast. i know these things come in waves, but it's very unusual for me. and maybe, just maybe that is because i don't yet have a work table set up here (although that has never seemed to stop me before.) I've been running around a lot more too. baking lots of bread oddly enough; cooking loads. oh, the hiking here is fantastic we camped big basin this weekend- 11 miles of sore muscles!


so there is art of the walls, and the cupboards are full, but we are still working on finding all the right furniture. in honesty i would rather have it that way...furniture is such a commitment to sit still.


i do miss my family, my dog, but if i didn't run about and explore now i would always be wondering. when would i really otherwise? i finished college a year and half early anyway. plus, i do believe this is what 22 is all about.


much

me