a couple of cats in the heat

"Margaret "Maggie" Pollitt: You know what I feel like? I feel all the
time like a cat on a hot tin roof.

Brick Pollitt: Then jump off the roof, Maggie. Jump off it. Cats jump
off roofs and land uninjured. Do it. Jump.

Margaret "Maggie" Pollitt: Jump where? Into what?

Brick Pollitt: What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?

Margaret "Maggie" Pollitt: Just staying on it I guess, long as she can."

I think I’m too fickle to admit that I really am.

I want the security, the comfort, the closeness of soul mate, a best friend, a confidant.

I want a safe place to pour all my love, all the reasons that build up under the skin of this vehicle. I want to believe that we aren’t so individualistic and selfish. I long for someone who I can count on unconditionally, and likewise turn to me, in all the fevers of their night. I need to believe that a less isolated life exists. but every time I have let myself to become it, I retreat in fear from the lack reciprocation.

why it's so important to feel that connectedness?

Why do I miss someone so much whom I have never met?

I think this drive might be more for meaning in existence than anything. Is to exist for myself not worthy enough? there are those who exist for those they love, and those who exist for themselves…I always pick the wrong.

So i'm in bed, listening to Interpol, applying to jobs I don’t really want. But ive got to get going, keep up to speed. After all, I quit my job and moved to the city because I fell too hard for someone I thought I knew.

I moved back to the country house I grew up in at night. I didn’t want it to be true so I waited for when true colors couldn’t be ignored.

Now i’m back living from boxes in my parent’s house. I don’t know where I am because I cant believe any of it really happened. We moved to live together and now we are more divided than ever. Left with no job, no best friend, burned bridges and exhausted; I am piecing what I want together. He was a pusher. I am a runner.

i want the security that comes from freedom and the freedom that can only come from security.

I commit only to exist and to the potential of adventure on the path ahead of me…if I can just find it. I am determined to enjoy this period of mess and newness, but sometimes, it hurts like hell.

I’ll do fine, ive worked with less. The thing is I just thought I was done with that.

Silly me. Im only 22, this is only the beginning. one day ill look at this from far away and smile.