Wednesday, July 2, 2008
gone swimming
with all the rest off my chest. let me say, happy 3 day weekend lake Tahoe. i am a happy (lucky) camper.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
happiness is only real when shared
fires burn, forests crumble; politics purge us of ourselves in office and Office. it's the shadows that make the grass always look so much greener.
me? i'm happy. i have no complaints to register. today i am grateful that the fires make for a vibrant sunset; that i can retreat home from paper piles to my own paradise. i don't long for anything greener. i'm liking the way the light dances on the brown tips of the blades and I'm content to let the dandelions roam. i can't chase the ever moving shadows, because i can't be two places at once.
it's just that im happiest about the little things lately. holding hands and coming home to a sun baked smile. it's the long chats with my mom as i commute and the dinners that we use to turn our kitchen messy. it's tide pools and granola acai bowls; hikes and unexpected letters. it's amazing to see life evolve into just what you wished for.
(i do hope the fires end soon though.)
me? i'm happy. i have no complaints to register. today i am grateful that the fires make for a vibrant sunset; that i can retreat home from paper piles to my own paradise. i don't long for anything greener. i'm liking the way the light dances on the brown tips of the blades and I'm content to let the dandelions roam. i can't chase the ever moving shadows, because i can't be two places at once.
it's just that im happiest about the little things lately. holding hands and coming home to a sun baked smile. it's the long chats with my mom as i commute and the dinners that we use to turn our kitchen messy. it's tide pools and granola acai bowls; hikes and unexpected letters. it's amazing to see life evolve into just what you wished for.
(i do hope the fires end soon though.)
Friday, June 6, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
ok well, ok.
drawing pictures and baking bread doesn't always pay the bills....thus i have returned to a career of a more practical vein. i tend to enjoy being alone, so being in a busy office is a nice change of pace. (besides, i get my reflective/karaoke time during my 3 hour commute)
after months of being together all day & everyday, it's an odd feeling to have any experience without him beside me. we have become another limb, attached at the hip; each other's backbone; crutch....i know space is quite good and healthy though. in fact having a steady source of income and ambition has really helped me to feel a bit more relaxed in a weird way. i have always been tremendously tenacious and ive found that i'm relieved by the challenges at work. sick as it sounds, the busier the better. ive been thinking a lot about this, about what this might let me runaway from or have an excuse to run to; the validation of this lifestyle.
so despite the long commute (ie traffic) waking up at 5 am and being away from him for 55 hours a week, i couldn't ask for more at a work place. the people are just peachy and there's coffee- so i'm set.
exhausted as i adjust, but he's been mindful and helping out around the house. its funny how a job like this can bring security with a steady paycheck and also make me want to escape, the way i used to. i haven felt that in a long while. i don't know if it's turning on or off, the way i retreat inward. i don't know if i like it or not; if its good or bad. it just is part of me and that's that. funny how disconnect is so natural, i think i missed it.
otherwise, he wrote an amazing short story. i'm impressed by it and i keep running it over in my head. it's about us. i think it's sightful and accurate.
also, i think elliott smith really would have liked santa cruz.
after months of being together all day & everyday, it's an odd feeling to have any experience without him beside me. we have become another limb, attached at the hip; each other's backbone; crutch....i know space is quite good and healthy though. in fact having a steady source of income and ambition has really helped me to feel a bit more relaxed in a weird way. i have always been tremendously tenacious and ive found that i'm relieved by the challenges at work. sick as it sounds, the busier the better. ive been thinking a lot about this, about what this might let me runaway from or have an excuse to run to; the validation of this lifestyle.
so despite the long commute (ie traffic) waking up at 5 am and being away from him for 55 hours a week, i couldn't ask for more at a work place. the people are just peachy and there's coffee- so i'm set.
exhausted as i adjust, but he's been mindful and helping out around the house. its funny how a job like this can bring security with a steady paycheck and also make me want to escape, the way i used to. i haven felt that in a long while. i don't know if it's turning on or off, the way i retreat inward. i don't know if i like it or not; if its good or bad. it just is part of me and that's that. funny how disconnect is so natural, i think i missed it.
otherwise, he wrote an amazing short story. i'm impressed by it and i keep running it over in my head. it's about us. i think it's sightful and accurate.
also, i think elliott smith really would have liked santa cruz.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
pancake tour over, kerouac would be proud
i would bring this blog up to speed, but i don't really see a point. i'm sure it will be pretty clear where i'm at by the end of the post anyhow. i will say that i made it across country in one piece. and the exposure i had to the different ways people live in America was astounding. i am so glad to be rid of the landlocked blues the midwest and desert gave me. im not cut out for it there. i know now that to feel most comfortable, i have be around lots of lush trees and the ocean (just as i grew up) I've done my fair share of euro bumming, so i think it's nice to finally see the place i live. zig zag through the nation later, i'm cozy and tucked into one of the most beautiful places i've ever seen: ocean cliffs and surf, wildflowers and restless breeze. it is nothing short of amazing. (the people are quite peachy too.)
i have no complaints.
and no right to. my life here is picturesque. we live in a pocket of love and bliss. we very make each other very happy and all this makes me quite blessed.
but if i may? as beautiful as it is, as wonderful as our life, i do miss home. a funny mix of emotion this culture shock is. ive been far before, but ive never felt far until now. (i mean don't get me wrong, san fran may be beautiful with its colorful houses, but there's no place as spectacular as 'coffee black, i'm in a rush,' new york. it might as well be a different country out here.) he says im just homesick, but i know myself pretty well and i can't seem to shake the feeling that i am supposed to be back east. only time will tell. it is a big adjustment.
but that's neither here nor there. as far as i am concerned, I am here now. so now, i'll embrace it for all it's worth. i'll figure out the rest of my life, during the rest of my life.
speaking of the rest of my life, i have been painting and drawing much less since i left the east coast. i know these things come in waves, but it's very unusual for me. and maybe, just maybe that is because i don't yet have a work table set up here (although that has never seemed to stop me before.) I've been running around a lot more too. baking lots of bread oddly enough; cooking loads. oh, the hiking here is fantastic we camped big basin this weekend- 11 miles of sore muscles!
so there is art of the walls, and the cupboards are full, but we are still working on finding all the right furniture. in honesty i would rather have it that way...furniture is such a commitment to sit still.
i do miss my family, my dog, but if i didn't run about and explore now i would always be wondering. when would i really otherwise? i finished college a year and half early anyway. plus, i do believe this is what 22 is all about.
much
me
i have no complaints.
and no right to. my life here is picturesque. we live in a pocket of love and bliss. we very make each other very happy and all this makes me quite blessed.
but if i may? as beautiful as it is, as wonderful as our life, i do miss home. a funny mix of emotion this culture shock is. ive been far before, but ive never felt far until now. (i mean don't get me wrong, san fran may be beautiful with its colorful houses, but there's no place as spectacular as 'coffee black, i'm in a rush,' new york. it might as well be a different country out here.) he says im just homesick, but i know myself pretty well and i can't seem to shake the feeling that i am supposed to be back east. only time will tell. it is a big adjustment.
but that's neither here nor there. as far as i am concerned, I am here now. so now, i'll embrace it for all it's worth. i'll figure out the rest of my life, during the rest of my life.
speaking of the rest of my life, i have been painting and drawing much less since i left the east coast. i know these things come in waves, but it's very unusual for me. and maybe, just maybe that is because i don't yet have a work table set up here (although that has never seemed to stop me before.) I've been running around a lot more too. baking lots of bread oddly enough; cooking loads. oh, the hiking here is fantastic we camped big basin this weekend- 11 miles of sore muscles!
so there is art of the walls, and the cupboards are full, but we are still working on finding all the right furniture. in honesty i would rather have it that way...furniture is such a commitment to sit still.
i do miss my family, my dog, but if i didn't run about and explore now i would always be wondering. when would i really otherwise? i finished college a year and half early anyway. plus, i do believe this is what 22 is all about.
much
me
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
all smiles
this place is a disaster zone!
i have been packing like a mad woman all day, and i am just so excited!
i am more thrilled to move to cali than i was to paris, (my most favorite place!)
anywho, there is just so much to be done; between getting a gps, cleaning this place out and the details of transporting our stuff 3000 mi; changing billing addresses and getting the car tuned up...ahh! will the list ever end?
it is just so worth it. what could beat a fantastic place on the beach with the one you love and your dog? life feels quite sunny.
although, self improvement note: if there was such a thing as too much coffee and chocolate, today i may have reached the brink. a serious run needs to happen tomorrow!
i have been packing like a mad woman all day, and i am just so excited!
i am more thrilled to move to cali than i was to paris, (my most favorite place!)
anywho, there is just so much to be done; between getting a gps, cleaning this place out and the details of transporting our stuff 3000 mi; changing billing addresses and getting the car tuned up...ahh! will the list ever end?
it is just so worth it. what could beat a fantastic place on the beach with the one you love and your dog? life feels quite sunny.
although, self improvement note: if there was such a thing as too much coffee and chocolate, today i may have reached the brink. a serious run needs to happen tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Seeking Advice:
i'm not trying to make something out of nothing, i just want our relationship to be as amazing as possible and for us to understand each other the very best we can...
i love that neither of us is conventional. maybe this is just apart of accepting people and not expecting the world? either way, any input would be so appreciated, i am totes down for some personal growth.
so i've been thinking. this is actually THE reoccurring problem between us. the problem is that we see these small actions incredibly differently, and what better place to get an objective opinion than right here!
in the situation in which g was referring to in the post before last is something way too trivial not to find a way to overcome. in that situation, i was over g's parent's house and i was very tired. (i had been up all night the night before.) g and i had just watched south park, eaten broc. pizza (our fav!) and enjoyed some terrific wine from a local vineyard. we had a totally perfect night.
it was getting late and rainy and i knew i was overtired and had to leave. so eventually i got up out of my comfy spot and asked him to walk me out. (i was parked down the street, it was late and the street light was out) he said no.
this is a problem, stupid right? this is the sort of situation that makes him feel as though i am being controlling and when we fight dirty, might go to say so (along with needy and bitchy.)
on the contrary, i happen to see it quite differently. to me, i feel it is being a gentleman to walk me out when i have to drive and it is dark. and when we fight dirty i might say selfish, (along with inconsiderate and jerk.)
so i get frustrated, because i don't understand why you wouldn't do something small for someone you love. and he gets irked, because he feels it is me being demanding.
for him its a control thing. for me, it's a respect thing.
i feel i would do the same for him; to me those small kindnesses are what make a relationship.
i think its something we need to confront, and nip in the bud. neither of us are the sort to sweat the small stuff. but this is reoccurring (in various situations.)
so, what's the damage?
i know it's not that one of us is right or wrong, in fact we are both just seeing it differently. but something has got to give so we can view this on the same page, ( just as we do with politics and music and everything else.) do we need to overcome our different interpretations, or learn to mutually pacify?
how do we do this?
is this classic men and women on different planets or what?
you can't change people, i don't want to. i love who he is. he loves who i am. is this really so petty? how do we get past this?
i'm willing to do whatever i can so this is as stupid as, well it is...call me out. i'm down for constructive criticism; i want to be a better person.
i love that neither of us is conventional. maybe this is just apart of accepting people and not expecting the world? either way, any input would be so appreciated, i am totes down for some personal growth.
so i've been thinking. this is actually THE reoccurring problem between us. the problem is that we see these small actions incredibly differently, and what better place to get an objective opinion than right here!
in the situation in which g was referring to in the post before last is something way too trivial not to find a way to overcome. in that situation, i was over g's parent's house and i was very tired. (i had been up all night the night before.) g and i had just watched south park, eaten broc. pizza (our fav!) and enjoyed some terrific wine from a local vineyard. we had a totally perfect night.
it was getting late and rainy and i knew i was overtired and had to leave. so eventually i got up out of my comfy spot and asked him to walk me out. (i was parked down the street, it was late and the street light was out) he said no.
this is a problem, stupid right? this is the sort of situation that makes him feel as though i am being controlling and when we fight dirty, might go to say so (along with needy and bitchy.)
on the contrary, i happen to see it quite differently. to me, i feel it is being a gentleman to walk me out when i have to drive and it is dark. and when we fight dirty i might say selfish, (along with inconsiderate and jerk.)
so i get frustrated, because i don't understand why you wouldn't do something small for someone you love. and he gets irked, because he feels it is me being demanding.
for him its a control thing. for me, it's a respect thing.
i feel i would do the same for him; to me those small kindnesses are what make a relationship.
i think its something we need to confront, and nip in the bud. neither of us are the sort to sweat the small stuff. but this is reoccurring (in various situations.)
so, what's the damage?
i know it's not that one of us is right or wrong, in fact we are both just seeing it differently. but something has got to give so we can view this on the same page, ( just as we do with politics and music and everything else.) do we need to overcome our different interpretations, or learn to mutually pacify?
how do we do this?
is this classic men and women on different planets or what?
you can't change people, i don't want to. i love who he is. he loves who i am. is this really so petty? how do we get past this?
i'm willing to do whatever i can so this is as stupid as, well it is...call me out. i'm down for constructive criticism; i want to be a better person.
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