my two loyal readers (i adore you so!)

some very exciting potential new places on the west coast. the apts we are considering are so lovely. i cannot wait!

yes g, i have more to grow...i will keep working to be a better woman. thanks for the advice. i will keep it in mind.

thanks c for the encouragement. you are wonderful...i appreciate your support.

another random cali thing i am excited about: tennis.

6 am can't sleep

had an awful dream and didn't really sleep at all last night. i pretty much woke up feeling incredibly guilty and hypocritical.

so, i've been mia.

life has been insane...

he came home for the holiday, i was standoffish as ever, he had an accident, i took him to the er; and the rest is history.
he moved back home to me and it's really nice.

it is as it was. i feel totally blessed.

we are considering making the 3000 mile move out to the west coast...again.
yes, i know i sound entirely irrational.
(what's new?)

things are wonderful, but i'm taking them one step at a time:

1. getting him better.

2. everything else.

it is so frustrating to want to heal and not be able to snap your fingers and feel better. he is so patient and positive. it really makes me adore and admire him even more.

please note: i do not not not want to pack again...BUT i am always excited for a road trip.

so a less serious note:
i cannot wait for the new rem, i'm currently addicted to vampire weekend (so feel good) and
on a somerset maugham kick.

ok but really this cannot be true.

also, thinking of getting a very small gold hoop nose ring...thoughts?

(ps. feel better darling.)

everything in its right place

it all falls into place as fast as it falls out.

i realize this blog must make for me to sound quite erratic. however its only when wrapped up in emotion to vent, or moved to share do i find myself updating; this is my place to be dramatic, uncensored.

i'm so in the middle of this right now, i don't think i can articulate it yet...but it is lovely.

full moon

this disnatural life, is highway robbery.
more pressure; more money; more stuff... all to contain the cycle of dissatisfaction that we search externally to amend

we are so caught up in achieving this unattainable, surfaced 'life,' that we don't know what to do with ourselves in the rare raw moments when we are spared.

it is the hardest thing in the world to leave the person you love.
to give love and share experiences with those who will receive it, is the reason to my being.

i'm not interested in 'things,' i never have been. what are things, without motivation for a larger reason, a shared heart. i feel now as i ever did. i will never find fulfillment in what are soul-less items. i would be happier in a tepee with a good man, than to be an empty, blind slave.
for those who are, i imagine the notion is to continue on in that foolish format until we find our justification. i wanted him to be a place to put my love.

we will never love ourselves (and consequently others,) more by pushing people out of our hearts. this will not leave us with more love to give, but less; love has its own currency. we only grow in our love and understanding of self, as we give our love onto others. this is when we have true meaning- to live for another is to finally be free and awake. to love is not to take, but to become vehicle for something larger than yourself. it is not about using someone else as a tool to inflate your own sense of self, relinquish insecurities or entertain. it is freedom to let go.

spot on

i'm a sag...well really i'm ophiuchus. but regardless this horoscope seemed quite true.
perhaps it's just my working to overcome my impulsive nature that holds true? i'm always dreaming of something, but i would love to get a house with some friends here in the country. it seems safe except for expectation of lifestyle, and the fear i have that i will be staying where i am happy out of fear that i will not be happy elsewhere. is that a wrong thing to do?

i really wonder if it is more dangerous to have expectations,
or not to?

"Weekend Update: Friday's Full Moon emphasizes your hopes and dreams. Maybe some revision will occur, now that your eyes have been opened to certain realities. Some of you may also decide to reshuffle your list of friends, advisors or confidantes. Don't say or do anything with long-term implications on Friday. Think about everything, but delay action until you're really sure what you want. The Full Moon can be impulsive and extreme, pushing you to the brink and forcing action that is unwise. Take your time and remind others that you retain the right to change your mind, with or without their permission. You may require some privacy and time away from those that tend to project their frustration or anger onto you. Saturday is similar but easier. You still wade through the uncertainty of 'who can I trust and/or depend on?' but are able acknowledge your own strength. On Easter Sunday, you no longer feel under attack or at the mercy of another's mood swings. You successfully detach emotionally from troublesome individuals and are immune to whatever they dish out. You end up enjoying the day, thanks to your gift for tuning out needless noise."


Why do i find this sort of job so tempting, there's no long term utilization for my education? lord knows i'm too small in frame to really be anything close to a sailor!

"Exciting Employment Opportunity! Stewards, Deckhands, Dishwashers

Join the American Cruise Lines team! We are seeking friendly, outgoing, hard-working crew members to live/work aboard our luxury 49-100 passenger cruise ships. Earn $700-$900/week. Training, room & board provided. Excellent opportunity to work and travel."

fievel goes west

blonde again...thank goodness for new seasons and new starts. some things are more stress than they are worth.

happy spring (in my step again)

Begin as you wish to continue.

another interview in the city tomorrow, but i think it's time i start looking elsewhere.

on the second day of my water fast, but it has been easy. the change in season is a great time to do this cleanse.

today brings such lovely london weather to wash my windows. it is oh so fitting.

lost in translation: narcissus y buonaparte

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise


it's done. he loves only for himself. a hard truth to face. i doubt he will believe it, at first.

so, how about that recession, eh?

i love not man the less, but nature more...

with my brother into the woods and exploring bear mountain; he is my favorite person. an afternoon of exploring caves and uncovering old water mills; climbing rocks and skipping stones. talking books and blaring music from his pickup truck. it is my favorite way to pass any day.
i've missed him.

"there is pleasure in the pathless woods,
there is rapture on the lonely shore,
there is society where none intrudes,
by the deep sea and the music in its roar;
i love not man the less, but Nature more."

Lord Byron

i saw the signs as i drove home from the city this morning. one of the 100 acre plots next to my parent's home is being sold. it is the only one not belonging to a nature reserve. i never thought the old woman would leave her ancient plot. i am so compelled to preserve it and my stony street. as children we built teepees and learned every acre. i doubt i will ever feel as sane or more connected to the universe elsewhere.

anything less is a placebo.

"Patient:
For so long i trailed you
Now here i am, but i can't stand
With these Jellybones

Checked myself into emergency, urgently.
Drove up in my bone-camarrow, thinking only about you.
The doctor walked her crew of surgeons to the table where I lay
I came to, and my knee-caps were off.
They were soft, I had Jellybones

Doctor:
I woke him up and broke the news
After everything was sewn
I said: "Son, you've got a full-blown case
Of what is known as Jellybones."

Jelly Jelly Jelly Jelly Jelly Jelly Jelly Jelly
Jellybones.

this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive. this is love so we'll survive."

(the unicorns)


there is no danger in this. i won't let there be. there's a difference between loving and needing.

my emotions will not become sacrificial.

my space, the scenes, and people, art and madness that i love, will not be devoured by something bottomless.

this will not define me more than any other facet of my time and desires. my independence will be aligned with my integrity- on the no trade post. i'm not some lost lamb; clinging, crying, desperate and desolate- that's not me, that's never been me. i don't need a hand held and i'll hold myself to this.

so it's going good, but good can go. there's not much poetry in this sort of spine. this is the is the understanding we've always needed, but the truth my mentality of romanticism rejected.

dishonesty can never truly be in the vein of hope. to have faith, is to be brave enough to be honest. to live without fear of rejection. to know acceptance for what is more that your good, but what you are whole, is love...anything less is a placebo.

lucky girl.

i have the best family and friends a girl could wish for- hands down.

easily.

i am so lucky.

i mean really, how often is there a community of people who honestly aim to look out for YOUR best interest? after not seeing any of them since i left for the city, they were waiting with open arms the moment i came home.

they didn't ask for explanations; just for big hugs.

they are so sympathetic, so accepting; so motivating. it's like no time has gone by at all.

i'm beginning to wonder why i don't unpack and stay.

what more could i want then the giving hearts i have beside me here? their intentions are so true; their eyes are so familiar and kind. i forgot how much i missed them. they bring me back to earth and who i am in my heart of hearts. they make me so silly and life just feels easy.
they accept me and love me just as i am; no questions asked. it makes me feel free.

maybe i was looking too hard for a direction, when the answer was right in front of my nose...

this will all blow over in time

"still things could be much worse
natural disasters on the evening news
still things could be much worse
we still got our health"

this is how i feel:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rfDvpfC2bw


but i'm working on feeling like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSOM0tQMNZ8


word... i think it's time i go for a hike

dear lord i can't wait for sand in my toes, sundress weather, swimming holes and tipsy by noon. sunburned shoulders and nights lit late in woods and on shores with fire pits and 30 packs.
ahhh i cant explain it, but i need to get all of this disnatural composure out of my system. i need to let go and scream to loud music with the windows of my car down. i need to let it out.
i keep feeling like i should do something so jack and pancake tour america or bob dylan it out on the open road, and staying with friends and skipping a plan...but i'm trying not to be hasty.
hasty is just so impulsive; it's so me, for better or worse. i suppose it's better that at least i can admit/acknowledge it.
one day i'll find someone who is down for some ridiculous notion that i'm quickly wrapped up in...and then i'll be in trouble. i'll be free.

thanks (chin up charlie brown)

every morning when i wake up, i ask for some direction. i suppose i'm asking the universe. i've been doing this since i moved out of the city about 2 weeks ago. i don't say it out loud, i just concentrate on it for a moment as i start my day or lay in bed. silly as it may be, i was feeling blue and i needed to think that i could do something to change it. i didn't want to feel passive and swept up in what i couldn't control. well, i woke up a few days ago and i felt as though the winds had changed. sometimes focusing on what you want will bring you closer to it, or so i've heard...but the funny thing is that nothing in my life has changed too dramatically. on paper, i am still living out of boxes in my parent's house, heartbroken and jobless. the thing that changed was how it felt. perhaps it's a tribute to dear old friends whom i got to visit; maybe it was having it out with a bottle of cheap tequila at a loud party, or finally letting myself catch-up on sleep? whatever it is doesn't matter so much to me. i'm just grateful that i'm not trying to convince myself to not feel lost or sad all the time. i don't have to. i get this strange sensation that everything is falling into place. it's as though the wheels are in motion, as fate would intend for them to be. it's wonderful and comforting. i'm made so happy by that progress that i feel positively encouraged and more patient. after all, loneliness is a connectedness that we all share.
and, i feel a really new sense of solace and integrity from having been brave enough to follow my heart. i do still get impatient, but reality is that i have a good feeling about the way things are changing, or the way they will change rather.
so, i thought i ought to spit it out in a post.
i know it's lame and sappy but i need a place to say: thank you.
the universe is so totally listening.

on another note, i came to the realization that there is just no way i could ever date someone who didn't have nasty air guitar skill. i mean really, the ability to rock out is such a necessary and redeeming quality.